I sigh a lot. The dictionary on my computer defines a sigh as:
verb [ intrans. ]
emit a long, deep, audible breath expressing sadness, relief, tiredness, or a similar feeling : Harry sank into a chair and sighed with relief | [with direct speech ] “I’m in a bit of a mess,” Elaine sighed.
• figurative (of the wind or something through which the wind blows) make a sound resembling this : a breeze made the treetops sigh.
• ( sigh for) poetic/literary feel a deep yearning for (someone or something lost, unattainable, or distant) : he sighed for days gone by.
I don’t sigh because I’m sad. I sigh when I relax. I have been frustrated recently. My bike has endured growing pains as of late. Rather than take it to the shop, I decided to fix it myself. As I type bike grease and scrapes from metal adorn my hands. My stubbornness has caused me to be without my bike for an extended period of time. Too long.
The other day I threw my tools across the apartment in frustration and tossed the bike on its side. I’d been working on the rear derailleur for weeks could barely keep hold of my wits. Then my brakes softened and I had to tend to those.
It was one thing after another. I understand how mechanics can find so much wrong when they’re fixing a problem. Things just fall apart.
Lately I’ve been winnowing my commitments. While in Chicago I sipped in this moment of understanding, “There are too many complicated things in my life.” I decided to uncomplicate it.
I feel better; sometimes different, sometimes not. I’m glad I’ve sieved the way I have. Because my bike lay broken on the hardwood floor I needed to find another release. I chose to run. I worked out yesterday and today. Running feels splendid and allows me to concentrate on the moment. I match my pace to my music and it is therapy. Sprinting down city blocks covered in a blanket of night is relief. My dog pants and follows behind me like a loyal subject. Toward the end he can’t keep up with my pace and I feel good. He’s a dog, they’re supposed to be faster than us. 🙂 Even though I hate it
sometimes most times, it is often the only thing that helps me feel good.
After my workout tonight I was able to fix my bike. Pieces slid into places that were halted before. My fingers found permission and cared for the broken pieces.
There is more permission to be found. I don’t know, however, from whom I should request absolution. I’ve been in pain as of late and I’m not sure what to do besides run and forgive. I just hope I’ll always be able to run and forgive.