A decade in one year

I have lived.

The first time I stepped foot in Seattle was exactly one-year ago yesterday.  I thought about blogging but decided against it.  I had too many things on my plate and didn’t have time.  I like that I’m spending more time living my life than writing about a craving to do just that.  My life is far from perfect.  It’s more still than it has been in the past and I’m getting used to that.  There is nothing wrong with that.

My life, as it is now, suits me.  My apartment is in shambles. Not because of some break-in, or some other random uncontrollable event. No. It’s because I’m a slob. Also because I’m busy and quite frankly exhausted.  My days are long and so I come home and often tear my clothes off and leave them on the floor.  I’ve gotten better at putting my shoes away.  I think it’s because I actually have a place to put them.  For the most part, though, the state of my residential union is abyssmal.

But I’m happy. I am so happy. An open sigh has taken its place and I am comfortable in my chest.

I miss the friends that know me best.  The ones who have stuck around since the day I met them.  The ones who can tell me “I love you” on the phone and it doesn’t feel weird.  Seattle has this disease called the Seattle Freeze and I’ve experienced its chill but it hasn’t reached to my bones.  Friendships are slowly crawling in.  I’m slowly treasuring the new relationships.  I don’t feel as alone as I have in the past and I’m grateful for that.  Forever grateful.

I’m experiencing men in a new way.  I’m not afraid of them and actually treasure their presence in my life.  I have, for the most part, overcome the baggage that covered me. My relationships with men are healthy and fine and that is also nice.  I am single. That thought does not overwhelm me as it once did.  It most certainly doesn’t overwhelm me as it does other women my age.  Relationships will come.  I am falling in love with my friendships with men. I spend more time out to dinner with my male friends than I do with my female and I never thought that would be the case.

I am healthier now than I was before. I am different now than I was before.  A year ago I wrote this entry with a broken-heart.  I wanted so badly to be free from pain.  To a certain extent I was.  But, not as much as I needed.  This distance has been a gift.  My severance from certain social networks were the ribbon.  I re-read that entry and was surprised at just how angry and hurt I was.  The person I once believed to be the love of my life was dating a friend.  How heart-broken I was.  As I knelt to the ground to pick up my shards I could feel our history in my knees and it crushed me further.  So much life has happened since then.

I’ve grown-up since then.  In hindsight, I’ve always thought that the situation which brought about that relationship was the womb from which my pain was born.  As I type this now, I’m not so sure.  It was, I think, a combination of who I was, where we were, who he was, and where we worked.  If I could go back and change it — I might. To be honest, I might.  I cannot recall a time of greater hurt or pain.  I don’t wish it on anyone. Though — I know… and so do you, that it waits for many as it waited for me.

Those days were not the end of my world.  Although they were close.  These days of happiness and content are also not the end of my world.  More heartbreak is in store; it always is.  And yet, so is comfort. But, I want to focus on nothing.  I would love to enjoy my moments as I have become so accustomed.  I would love to continue to grow, experience and recover for such is the essence of life: Experience, recover, and grow.

I intend to do just that.

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