i am (almost) an acid drenched flower
It happened this morning. As soon as I opened my eyes I realized that “it” was happening.
Yesterday I was in a room as I usually am on days when my office suffocates my thoughts. Sitting behind my pretend desk daydreaming about an opportunity for students. Since I was facing the doorway we made eye contact when you walked into the room — well, you made eye contact I was briefly in another world taking a mental vacation from my body. You smiled and waved. Your eyes, which are so bright entered the room first. By the way, you have amazing eyes. Then even though there were tables and chairs and desks (a set which actually belong to you) all over the room you pulled up a chair grabbed your laptop and relocated to my rented space. I welcomed the intrusion because I like you.
If work has taught me anything over the years it’s that work relationships are like the acid to my flower. When I’m not in a relationship I blossom and grow and I feel confident and happy. Then some bee comes in to pollinate and his pollination between exodus from his body and contact to my surface becomes acid and transforms me into a version of myself from another dimension.
I become giddy with flirtation. I let my guard down immediately and am willing to tell you about every foible that seals the cracks in my humanity. My “troubled” childhood, travels around the world, my post college journey, my relationship with my family — everything. I’m willing to use you as a free therapist and tell you EVERYTHING. But, as I showered this morning I thought about the moment that occurred when I awoke. I realized that I’m in that dangerous space just before it happens.
I’m not going to let it happen. Seriously. I’m not. I’m going to stay away for a while. When I get my act together and have prepared my flower with a suit of armor made of carbon fiber chain mail I’ll return. I need to separate these two worlds. We can totally be friends. But, I can’t muddy the waters of yet another watershed. I like this one too much. The view is great and the fish are healthy. I’m not moving across the country again because I’ve allowed my heart to pollute my environment and drive me to another home.
Not going to happen.