SBA

My first “real” job was as an Adolescent Support Program Specialist at my alma mater.  I was apart of this amazing team that dedicated way too much of their life to our work.  I just found the newsletters they sent to us before we started.  It made me sick to my stomach.  I think about how naive I was during that time.  I think about how naive we all were.  I looked at the gradual progression of newly hired employees and it made my heart drop.  There’s even one guy on there who didn’t actually end up working with us.  I wonder what happened to him.  I also thought “Man, he’s lucky.”

It surprised me how much I’ve grown up since then.  The mistakes I made personally.  Things I would’ve taken back.  Professionally, however, it was a magnificent decision.  I’m in such a great place right now. In fact, the next time I look for another job — which won’t be anytime soon because I love the one I have– I’m going to looking for “Director” positions.  I’ll have my Master’s degree, adequate years of experience, this summer I’ll supervise 10 employees, and I have the people skills to make it work. It seems logical that it’s the next step for me.  That feels right.

Personally, I’m still healing.  I lost some friendships and that was hard.  I really valued some of the relationships I made there, but I’m a different person now.  We’re all different people now.  A ridiculous amount of the women I work with have since gotten married.  Only one of the men though, and that was to another co-worker.  I remember sitting at Applehurst one day and trying to imagine what today would be like.  Not today in particular, just today in general.  “The future.” I had no idea.  I’ve had an interesting set of relationships since then.  Quite a turn of events.  I’ve also realized that my heart, right now belongs to my Masters degree.  I’m so dedicated and focused on it, everything else is second seat on a tandem bicycle.  If you would’ve talked to me a few years ago we may have discussed how I wanted to be a PhD by the time I was 35.  That’s no longer a goal.  Do I want a doctorate? Yes, but I also want a life.  If I’m lucky enough to get a kidney transplant I’ll start a program then.  There’s too much life to be lived with 2 kidneys…. so I’ll wait until I have one. 🙂

The new Seattle me– the one that encourages conversations about race, listens better than she did 5 years ago, and is relatively financially stable– has learned.  There’s a new prospect in my life and he’s great.  But, if anything is to come from it one of us needs to leave our jobs.  If comes to that I would be okay if it were me.  He’s amazing at what he does where he does it.  He means a lot to his students. I’m beginning to develop relationships, but I can do that elsewhere.  That being said, WE’RE NOT ANYWHERE NEAR THERE.  We aren’t even a “we”  I’m just me thinking about what this crush means.

I’ve had a tough year so far.  One of the toughest ever.  However, it seems that I’m getting to a place where I can approach things from a good healthy space. I can take things in stride and not get so worked up about little things.  I’m continuing to explore forgiveness. I’m treasuring the relationships I have.  I’m setting boundaries for the ones that are beginning to develop. I’m wishing the best to those who have hurt me.  I want them to be happy and successful. I think I want that most of all; for those that I love and loved once to happy.

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