My first “real” job was as an Adolescent Support Program Specialist at my alma mater. I was apart of this amazing team that dedicated way too much of their life to our work. I just found the newsletters they sent to us before we started. It made me sick to my stomach. I think about how naive I was during that time. I think about how naive we all were. I looked at the gradual progression of newly hired employees and it made my heart drop. There’s even one guy on there who didn’t actually end up working with us. I wonder what happened to him. I also thought “Man, he’s lucky.”
It surprised me how much I’ve grown up since then. The mistakes I made personally. Things I would’ve taken back. Professionally, however, it was a magnificent decision. I’m in such a great place right now. In fact, the next time I look for another job — which won’t be anytime soon because I love the one I have– I’m going to looking for “Director” positions. I’ll have my Master’s degree, adequate years of experience, this summer I’ll supervise 10 employees, and I have the people skills to make it work. It seems logical that it’s the next step for me. That feels right.
Personally, I’m still healing. I lost some friendships and that was hard. I really valued some of the relationships I made there, but I’m a different person now. We’re all different people now. A ridiculous amount of the women I work with have since gotten married. Only one of the men though, and that was to another co-worker. I remember sitting at Applehurst one day and trying to imagine what today would be like. Not today in particular, just today in general. “The future.” I had no idea. I’ve had an interesting set of relationships since then. Quite a turn of events. I’ve also realized that my heart, right now belongs to my Masters degree. I’m so dedicated and focused on it, everything else is second seat on a tandem bicycle. If you would’ve talked to me a few years ago we may have discussed how I wanted to be a PhD by the time I was 35. That’s no longer a goal. Do I want a doctorate? Yes, but I also want a life. If I’m lucky enough to get a kidney transplant I’ll start a program then. There’s too much life to be lived with 2 kidneys…. so I’ll wait until I have one. 🙂
The new Seattle me– the one that encourages conversations about race, listens better than she did 5 years ago, and is relatively financially stable– has learned. There’s a new prospect in my life and he’s great. But, if anything is to come from it one of us needs to leave our jobs. If comes to that I would be okay if it were me. He’s amazing at what he does where he does it. He means a lot to his students. I’m beginning to develop relationships, but I can do that elsewhere. That being said, WE’RE NOT ANYWHERE NEAR THERE. We aren’t even a “we” I’m just me thinking about what this crush means.
I’ve had a tough year so far. One of the toughest ever. However, it seems that I’m getting to a place where I can approach things from a good healthy space. I can take things in stride and not get so worked up about little things. I’m continuing to explore forgiveness. I’m treasuring the relationships I have. I’m setting boundaries for the ones that are beginning to develop. I’m wishing the best to those who have hurt me. I want them to be happy and successful. I think I want that most of all; for those that I love and loved once to happy.