again with the crying

If I were to be honest, completely honest, I would admit without hesitation that I am struggling.  There are glimpses of beauty and wonder that surround this glass ball I currently call home.  I have gone for runs with my dog, his backpack filled with canned goods to wear him out just a bit more, and found myself frolicking and laughing.  There are moments in my life that I honestly enjoy.

But, more often than not, I cry.  I’ve seen glimpses of Britney in my new students.  I came across a girl in the hallway who had brown hair just like her. It caught me off-guard and my startled state may have gone unnoticed to her, but, left me feeling strange.   I found a CD of pictures from my grandparents 52nd wedding anniversary in 2007.  I thought I’d lost those pictures it was wonderful to discover them.  Their presence, however, was an anchor.  Attached to an inconvenient part of my heart it pulls me deeper into a sorrow I was hoping I’d forgotten.

A picture of my grandfather and I is the background on my computer screen. This morning at 4am I opened my laptop to pay bills and occupy my sleeplessness.  I saw in him and his recent emaciation the truth; he is empty.  My grandmother was his everything and without her he sees no reason for anything.  He told us directly in the days following her death.

I am trying very hard to endure this.  This year has been surprisingly difficult. I’d just like to get through April without losing anyone or anything.

A death free April would be nice.

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