again with the crying
If I were to be honest, completely honest, I would admit without hesitation that I am struggling. There are glimpses of beauty and wonder that surround this glass ball I currently call home. I have gone for runs with my dog, his backpack filled with canned goods to wear him out just a bit more, and found myself frolicking and laughing. There are moments in my life that I honestly enjoy.
But, more often than not, I cry. I’ve seen glimpses of Britney in my new students. I came across a girl in the hallway who had brown hair just like her. It caught me off-guard and my startled state may have gone unnoticed to her, but, left me feeling strange. I found a CD of pictures from my grandparents 52nd wedding anniversary in 2007. I thought I’d lost those pictures it was wonderful to discover them. Their presence, however, was an anchor. Attached to an inconvenient part of my heart it pulls me deeper into a sorrow I was hoping I’d forgotten.
A picture of my grandfather and I is the background on my computer screen. This morning at 4am I opened my laptop to pay bills and occupy my sleeplessness. I saw in him and his recent emaciation the truth; he is empty. My grandmother was his everything and without her he sees no reason for anything. He told us directly in the days following her death.
I am trying very hard to endure this. This year has been surprisingly difficult. I’d just like to get through April without losing anyone or anything.
A death free April would be nice.