and then i pooped myself

So, I’ve been waiting for — let’s call it cashola — since 12/6/2010.  That’s the date I was given by the unemployment office when I asked when my compensation would begin.  It is now 1/28/11 and I have still received nothing.  I’ve called once a week (sometimes more) every week to understand the hold up.  For the sake of time I’ll offer a list of buzz words/phrases:

  • 9.1% unemployment rate
  • Alternate base year
  • Combined wage claim
  • Possible previous employer retaliation
  • My life is just ridiculous

I finally get a check in the mail from –let’s call it an “alternate anticipated income” yesterday.  I’d been waiting for that puppy for a few weeks.  So, I deposit the check and go home.  There’s a temporary hold until everything clears. I get that.

This morning I wake up.  I check my account balance and…


My stomach melts into a diarrheic mess.  My throat gets dry. I feel faint.

I call around for information and encounter electronic voice recognition software out the wazoo. One of my conversation went like this:

Voice: Hello, how may I help you today?

Me: Speak to an associate.

Voice: Would you like to speak with an associate?

Me: Yes.

Voice: Go ahead.

I looked around the room at my pretend audience for empathy.  “Go ahead.” Nice.

So I call my bank and because the state where I opened my account is weird I have to speak with a specialist in that state. So I am rerouted for the 5th time this morning. All-the-while, my account still looks like this:

Balance: -283,947,16739,730,4785,274,274,096,656,973,526,337,524,754,842,445,763.934.94820595839302048458695

At least that’s what it looks like to me.The computer won’t let me change the color so now I have to type in red. Great.

So I will be calm for as long as it takes to straighten this out. Until I understand what’s happening, I won’t eat anything.  I can’t afford to keep soiling my underwear.

And yes. I had a slice of chocolate cake, a cookie, and a glass of milk for breakfast.  Not gonna lie.


Update: 1-29-11 ALL IS WELL! The red (in my bank account) is gone and my world has been righted.