Things that make me sad

  1. Divorce – Kelsey and Camille are divorc(ed/ing) it’s not like I knew them but I just wish people didn’t break up
  2. Breakups – They’re so painful and ridiculous. I spent the last hour singing along to music like Wicked, RENT, and ADELE because I needed to cry but couldn’t on my own.  I’m better now. I guarantee I looked ridiculous.  Pain isn’t supposed to be beautiful. It’s ugly and unkind and I’m getting used to that.
  3. Hunger – This picture reminds me of why I never want to go hungry again.  Food has ALWAYS been an issue for me.  Growing up my brother would eat EVERYTHING and I always felt like there wasn’t enough for me.  Maybe it was an irrational emotion, but it’s how I felt.  The ever present emotion from my childhood is hunger, or the fear of being hungry.
  4. Fighting- it rips me to shreds when it happens.  Even if it’s not happening to me just around me, but especially when it includes me.  I don’t want to fight. I hate it.  I will. When I do I’m fighting for my life and I have a take no prisoners attitude.  It’s the only way I know how to survive
  5. Holidays- Only when people don’t understand that it’s not that big of a deal for me. Christmas, yay! Whoopee! It’s not that big of a deal.  I’d be fine waking up eating chinese food, watching a movie and chillin on the couch. People aren’t okay with that being my reality. They pity me and that pity is what makes me sad.
  6. Broken promises- In the heat of passion, in the calm of a moment, or even a sideways glance of a comment.  If someone says they’re going to do something, be somewhere, or mean whatever. I hold them to that. I should stop.
  7. When I feel like my dog loves other people more than me- It’s an insecurity. I guess I should be glad he loves everyone. I’m codependent of my dog. Wow.
  8. Doing the wrong thing- I always want to do what’s right in the eyes of whomever.  That’s lead me to apathy and centrist political thinking. Call me ridiculous, but it’s safe and avoids conflict.
  9. My writing- In grad school (the first one, not the one now) they called it “The Imposter syndrome” I feel like my work isn’t good enough and that’s hard. I’ve got to get over that too.

What happened to the positive thinking me?  I’m not sure she was ever actually there. If she was she was supported, hardcore, by the people she loved and now that they’re not there she can’t stand alone.  Her legs have atrophied and buckle with each step in the goo that is her life.  I’d like to find the one thing that helps me feel and think positively. That might help.  So would better weather, but that won’t happen for a few more months.

I don’t understand what’s eating away at me.  This weather inflicted depression is hard.  I’ve been struggling for awhile to stay positive.  The time alone during the day when everyone is gone is amazing. I get to sing, laugh, dance, cry, cook, play, and drink tea as long as I want. I don’t have to speak. I don’t have to explain myself to other people.  That has always been so hard for me. Explaining to others the pain I’ve felt.  Not speaking invigorates me.  I just get to be.  I love the people who can just let me be. They don’t require anything of me.  They function independent of me, of my mood, of my world. When I’m quiet and there is no one else around this pain seems tolerable. Manageable. But, when I have to speak it hurts.  I’m not sure that will ever change.  My inability to explain my world and my needs to another may always be the same. After all, isn’t it unfair to expect someone to just leave me alone?  I feel like that’s just healthy.  Leaving someone alone when they’re feeling… lonely.  Is there someone who can tolerate that?  Tolerate me when I’m like that?

I’ve got to stick with myself through the winter doldrums.  It seems like I’m the only person who is willing to stand and wait as they subside.  Broken promises of foretold futures have left me standing alone.  I’ve learned to hear those promises for what they are — words which dissipate with the air.  I’ve also learned to see those people for what they are– human.  People say things that aren’t true all the time, promises included, it’s not that big of a deal.  Humans are imperfect.  I think I just have to wait for the person who will do for me what I do for others.  Someone who will fly across the world just to keep a promise.