Something’s happening here

Whoo, today is hard and it only began about a half an hour ago.  Physically I just feel off and need to go to a doctor, but I don’t have insurance — that sucks.  I have this desire to just soak in a bathtub until the water sloughs away the yuckiness.  I woke up feeling achey in all senses of the word so I sat down to write.  This is how I’m feeling.

I woke up thinking of him.  I wanted to know how he was, what he was up to, and if he was safe.  I worry about him, a lot.  That’s not my right anymore so I have to figure out how to stop.  It’s not going to happen right away, but I hope it happens soon, because I want him to be my friend… I think.  I want him in my life, but I don’t know if I can handle it.  He’ll keep me at bay emotionally and physically and that will hurt me further.  I don’t want to date him, but I want him around.  In this time of weirdness and change I want my anchor back.

I need to do a lot in order to grow up and change and that couldn’t happen inside of us.  I’ve had to defend myself from outsiders for as long as I’ve been alive.  My parents didn’t do it for me and so I had to figure out how to do it for myself.  Except I figured it out according to my age.  No one really taught me how to deal with these things with a lens of maturity.  That’s whyI have to call others and consult.  When things go wrong I’m at war with myself.  I need someone who is willing and able to help walk my through the minefield that is my past.  They can winnow out the wounded parts of me.  I need time and grace to do that.  I was hoping it would be able to happen in this most recent affair, but it didn’t and couldn’t.  So, I’m going to make it so I’m ready for the next one.  I left that relationship REALLY proud of myself.  But, right now I have to deal with the discomfort that was sitting on my chest when I awoke this morning.

I just want to isolate myself.  I want to just take my head off and put it in the freezer for awhile.  If I could, I’d flash freeze my heart too.  Right now they’re at separate places and it’s hard to tend to them both in the same body.  Actually if I had to separate the warring parts of me my heart would be spliced as well. I feel the loss of someone very important to me.  Yet, there’s this tingling sensation of gratitude…I won’t get into it, but it’s there and it’s the prevailing sensation.  Because I’m a “fixer” (I’ll get into that in another  post, but here’s an article I don’t completely agree with) I’ve taken sometime to think and here’s what I found.

  • an old journal entry that says– ” Is it so wrong that I want to end this? I can feel myself growing callous and I don’t know what happens now.” Why the hell didn’t I leave?!  I think because I’m a punk and I don’t want any regrets so I say I’ll stay. Believing it will right itself.  I don’t want to be the person to initiate the break-up and regret it later.  (Yes, I’m aware that’s unhealthy and unproductive) And, I haven’t given myself permission to leave.
  • My defense mechanisms when it comes to protecting myself from hurt in non romantic relationships.

I’ve grown so accustomed to them I’m able to name them a decide whether or not I should allow those mechanisms to control me.  They are no longer an unconscious decisions where I wake up after they’ve occurred. Now, my body consults the other parts of myself, weighs the options and then, together, we decide the best recourse.

When it comes to romantic relationships I’m not so wise.  After all, I’m still a baby I’ve only been “grown-up” dating for 3 years. (Holy Cannoli! I’ve only been dating for three years…well it’s closer to 4 than three, but still, it’s not very long). With that in mind, I’ve “found” out the following things when it comes to me and conflict.

  1. My initial instinct is to run: If I’m not there it doesn’t exist
  2. When I feel safe  with a person I try to stay and “hash it out” You care about me so I feel safe enough to tell you how I feel
  3. I need to take time to step away and “phone a friend” What I’m feeling and what’s happening aren’t always the same thing
  4. I analyze situations logically I’m looking for ways to change my behavior
  5. I approach conflict related discussions wanting to discuss the following things “This is why I did what I did.” “Why did you do what you did?” “How did both of those actions affect us.” “How can we do better next time?” Action oriented approach
  6. When my feelings are hurt I will say things to hurt in return.  Like take them out at the knees mean. (Yes, I am aware of just how unhealthy and unproductive this is)
  7. When someone responds to me with anger I rinse and repeat all of the unhealthy coping mechanisms of my past. Yes, again, unhealthy
  8. I need to know that they don’t think I’m a bad person Because when something goes wrong, I rip myself to shreds
  9. I need to change how I deal with conflict. If I don’t I’ll be defending myself against the world for the rest of my life and I don’t have the rations for that.
  10. I need to keep speaking my mind.   I just need to change how and when I’m saying it.

This post is odd and disjointed, but that’s where I’m at.  I’m odd and disjointed.  I need to do a bunch of things today and these emotions were in my way.  So now, I’ll take on the over extendedness of my world.

Cut and print