Choosing

I called you back prepared to be even keeled.  A mantra of, “we haven’t been dating that long so I shouldn’t expect to be his priority,” played in my head as the phone rang.

I’m not used to being someone’s priority.  I’m accustomed to being the caregiver. On course in the backcountry I’m a doctor bandaging wounds, and wrapping ankles.  I am required to be so in tune to other’s needs that I sometimes forget to take care of myself.  I’m surprised when I remember to drink water and follow-through with other facets of self-care.  I’m baffled when someone shows an interest in caring for me.

I’ve had relationships in the past where work spilled over into our laps.  When enjoying time alone all it would take is one phone call from a boss or supervisor and the evening was adjourned.  Confused, I’d plead my case asking for more separation between work and home.  Overruled, my objections lay on the floor of our relationship discarded and worthless.

Tonight, in a big way, he chose me.  It was as simple as if I’d asked him to pick up bread for dinner.  Effortless, and natural for him, it left me feeling guilty.  But, as someone reminded me, it shouldn’t.  I’m not keeping tally, but I am understanding what it is to be in a relationship that works.

Eager to avoid past mistakes I’ve tried to analyze myself and dissect relationships.  Ahem, I’ve over analyzed and sauteed former relationships in the figurative blender of my mind.  Before, I couldn’t put my finger on the differences.  Initially, the feelings were similar and that worried me.  Now, I see the difference.  Consistency. Well, consistency, and honesty.  It’s amazing how wonderful it feels to have someone be honest with me.  It’s like laying in my favorite bed after a long time away from home.  So far, it’s right.  I can’t explain it anymore than that.  It just feels right.

I don’t know where or how long this will go.  I’m not concerned.  Nothing has happened that causes me to long for the future in order to escape the present.

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