Sexless in Seattle
“Come, you spirits
That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
And fill me from the crown to the toe top-full
Of direst cruelty.” -Lady Macbeth
I will never be cast as Lady Macbeth.
Before I could utter a single word of my monologue the director and his minions would sniff out the
biological alterations that occurred as a result of this day and say, “thou aren’t a woman… thou art a eunuch — of sorts. Away you liar and never come again.”
When Bob from B3 Bob’s Bikes and Boards reassembled my bike he did so with the expertise that a novice such as myself, lacks. As a result, the seat was lifted to it’s rightful position: Really Freaking High.
I, and the more tender parts of me spent 11+ Seattle miles being assaulted by the cushionless Nishiki bike seat I inherited from the previous owners. Each bump, jolt, and near miss left my brain screaming, “MY VAGINA!” but my lips played the role of prison guard and uttered nary a word.
As soon as I left my apartment a light mist, which soon turned to a rapid drizzle greeted me on the morning of my virgin ride in this wonderful, yet incessantly moist, city. I set out toward the community center with a enough trepidation to open up a fault line. The ride was, well, interesting. I’m not in shape enough to conquer this geography, but I will be. Well, I’m in ok shape, but not having the slightest clue where I was going didn’t exactly help matters. I rode for about 30 minutes arrived at what I thought was my destination, wiped the water from my glasses, and settled down to take a brief rest. Then my boss said, “You know the training is at XYZ facility, right?” “Uh yeah, I just stopped to get directions.” Dangit! Here’s the thing when he said you have to do this to get there. I, apparently shut him out and imagined that he was sending me to the location with which I was most familiar.
He was not.
About 20 minutes, muddy calves, soaked shoes, and a sopping wet back later, I arrived at the place I thought I was supposed to be. It was, in fact, the wrong location. They gave me instructions, offered me bus fare, and sent me on my way. When I said that I had no clue how to put my bike on the front of the bus they called an avid biker within the company and he helped. I made my way down some crazy hill, carried my bike down to the tunnel and waited. When the bus came all of the directions I’d been given took a little nap and I stood stupidly staring at the contraption. A very nice lady with a baguette sticking out of her bag helped me and then the bus was on it’s way. 45 minutes later I got off the bus and arrived where I was supposed to be. The training had already left. Laughing I waited patiently for the group to return.
In the past six hours conquered a few things:
-Riding my bike in Seattle
– Being outside in the rain in Seattle
-Riding my bike outside in the rain in Seattle
-Driving in Seattle
-Driving a minibus
-Driving a minibus in Seattle
How is this my life? Just when you think you’ve grown enough, more lessons are thrown your way. Hopefully, my womanhood will peek out from its hiding spot and I’ll become a lady once more. Til then, I’m just gonna keep asking for help, laugh till my face hurts, and hope for the best.