My mother is INFURIATING. Out of nowhere, and I literally mean nowhere, I receive an email from her that says,
(Insert her first name here, yes, her first name, not ‘mom’.”
So I respond with,
It’s been about two years, give or take a month, since our last interaction. We’d made plans to come together for lunch. I called to confirm and she forgot. Now, being forgetful is understandable. However, this is the same woman who forgot to show up to my childhood. I would spend entire performances looking for her in the crowd. At one show in particular I even waved to someone in the balcony because I thought it was her. I almost missed the bus back to campus because I looked around for her. I was finally forced on the bus. When I returned to my student home I called her and apologized for not seeing her after the show, we’d had to leave. She told me that she’d forgotten about the show and never showed up.
This is also the woman who, when I was 19, sent me an email saying, “…you’re 19 years old I’m sick of walking on eggshells to pacify your attitude….have a good life.” That bitch has written me off more times than I can count.
Our last attempt at a relationship ended on my terms. She forgot me, like she had so many times before, and I told her how it made me feel. She interjected some defensive statement of, “I will not be spoken to in this way… blah blah blah.” I hung up. Sent her a text message that read, “Fuck you,” and that was it.
And now I’m trying so hard to be healthy. Scratch that. I AM healthy. My relationship with what’s his face is over and done, I’ve dated here and there, I have great friends, I don’t run and hide when someone makes me angry. I’ve grown-up, without her. And yet, here she is again.
My mother is the only person that can bring tears to my eyes without being present. It’s like there’s a switch embedded in my already disgustingly putrid polluted DNA ( my ADPKD was a gift from her). It’s like she can flip that switch and make me shrink into a ball whenever she wants. She can cripple 27 years of strengh, and make me fall to my knees like Samson.
I’m sitting here like a fool with tears running down my face because of an email.
The rest of the conversation went like this:
Me – I didn’t open a pathway. You found, or somehow obtained my email address. I’ve never been in hiding, nor will I ever be. I have a website for crying out loud, anyone can Google me, and as a result, contact me. I’m not some Luddite who spends their life hiding from anyone.