Again

My mother is INFURIATING.  Out of nowhere, and I literally mean nowhere, I receive an email from her that says,

“Hello!

(Insert her first name here, yes, her first name, not  ‘mom’.”

So I respond with,

“Hi…”

It’s been about two years, give or take a month, since our last interaction.  We’d made plans to come together for lunch. I called to confirm and she forgot.  Now,  being forgetful is understandable. However, this is the same woman who forgot to show up to my childhood. I would spend entire performances looking for her in the crowd. At one show in particular I even waved to someone in the balcony because I thought it was her.  I almost missed the bus back to campus because I looked around for her.  I was finally forced on the bus.  When I returned to my student home I called her and apologized for not seeing her after the show, we’d had to leave.  She told me that she’d forgotten about the show and never showed up.

This is also the woman who, when I was 19, sent me an email saying, “…you’re 19 years old I’m sick of walking on eggshells to pacify your attitude….have a good life.”  That bitch has written me off more times than I can count.

Our last attempt at a relationship ended on my terms. She forgot me, like she had so many times before, and I told her how it made me feel.  She interjected some defensive statement of, “I will not be spoken to in this way… blah blah blah.”  I hung up. Sent her a text message that read, “Fuck you,” and that was it.

And now I’m trying so hard to be healthy. Scratch that. I AM healthy.  My relationship with what’s his face is over and done, I’ve dated here and there, I have great friends, I don’t run and hide when someone makes me angry. I’ve grown-up, without her.  And yet, here she is again.

My mother is the only person that can bring tears to my eyes without being present.  It’s like there’s a switch embedded in my already disgustingly putrid polluted DNA ( my ADPKD was a gift from her).  It’s like she can flip that switch and make me shrink into a ball whenever she wants. She can cripple 27 years of strengh, and make me fall to my knees like Samson.

 I’m sitting here like a fool with tears running down my face because of an email.

The rest of the conversation went like this:

Her– Leaving work. Is it presumptuous or is it ok to say hello sometimes?


Me– That depends on what you’re presupposing. 


Her – I am seeking permission to say “hello” from time to time.


Me – Why?


Her– Well, now that you have opened a pathway for others to contact you, maybe you will allow me to say “Hello” and by doing so I will know that you are alive. Instead of getting that information from second hand sources.

Me – I didn’t open a pathway. You found, or somehow obtained my email address. I’ve never been in hiding, nor will I ever be. I have a website for crying out loud, anyone can Google me, and as a result, contact me. I’m not some Luddite who spends their life hiding from anyone.


As far as knowing that I’m alive, why do you need to find that out from me? Why aren’t your previously sufficient second-hand informants adequate? 

I’m perplexed by your initial motivation to reach out. If you merely wanted confirmation that I was alive, my response of “Hi…” would have been enough and this discourse would not exist.

And so I ask again, “Why do you want to say hello from time to time?” 


I’ve kept her out of my life because she breaks my heart.  When she’s in contact with me I can’t help but think about the relationship I’ve always wanted, but can never have.  My thoughts linger on her Freudian obsession with my brother and equally Freudian dismissal of me.  

When she’s in my life I want to sit in a corner and mope. I weep until my body shakes.  A long time ago I made the choice to live a different life.  Yet, time and time again she returns.  I don’t know that I’m strong enough to have her in my life, and live it the way I want.

If this is some sort of test, or game, I don’t want to play.  

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