Pillar

Today will be one of the toughest days of my life. There’s a lot going on at work. I have papers due for grad school and the weather outside is damn miserable. I’m seriously crossing Minnesota off my list for Ed.D programs because I guarantee I won’t be able to handle the effing weather; -30 actual temp is about as desirable as a childhood diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis and ARPKD.

We’re having a reunion of sorts for the girls today. All three years combined. In one place. In this weather. AWESOME.

They’re gonna ask me questions about he and I and now she and I and she and he. I don’t know if it’s better to bring it up myself, and get it over with, or leave it be and take care of it when one of them brings it up.

Today will be difficult not because of one thing, but because of kaleidoscope life I’m living. I want desperately to be held and told “All will be fine.” Not good, not great, but fine. That’s all I want. I’ve done the holding and mothering, mentoring, and sistering, but not the partnering. I want to lay in his arms and feel what I’m feeling and not talk about it. Not yet. Lay and laugh, or cry whichever tickles my fancy. I want to know that someone is there. I know God is “there” or “here” or “wherever.” That’s not enough for me. That’s probably blasphemous to say, but it doesn’t change how I feel.

I want to weep and cry. I will, trust me. I want to fall and sob, and I will. I’ll pick myself up “weary and bruised to the bone,” but I want help getting up. A totem-pole of strength on which to brace myself till I can stand fully erect. I need that, but for now, as usual, I will do it on my own.

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